If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
