saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
