what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
