I faked an abortion last night.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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