my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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