If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
