The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
