All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize