I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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