I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
