someone threw a dead crab at me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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