Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize