He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
