i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
