Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
