things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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