if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
