I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He's a Shit stain on my heart
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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