he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I need to calm my uterus...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
