the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
