dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is classic penis vs brain.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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