woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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