It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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