i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
