I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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