I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
