A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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