im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
