So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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