would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What a dumb baby whore.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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