I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
