i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
