Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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