If that was your dad, he is hot
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize