I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
