ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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