i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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