you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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