What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize