so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
