Where did you get a picture of my penis
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
