The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
