Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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