Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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