No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
