oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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