Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
