I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
