His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize