Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
