you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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