I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
