when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
